It is not wrong, it just means it’s not your thing. You don't have to cry every time you leave your family and friends to understand that they are important to you. For you, their opinions about your life are extremely important, because you always see your success through other people’s eyes. 64. If your compadre constantly implies that everything's your fault in a friendship, it might be time to call gaslighting what it is and bounce. Why should you have to always prove to them you are worthy of love? Without interruption. maybe you are in some way like me, idk, Same. Taking care of others is taking care of yourself. But power to you, and keep exploring yourself and keep improving yourself! In fact, when I think about the future it excites me most to think about being a hermit on the outskirts of society, in solitude. Enlist friends and family who live near you to run errands, bring a hot meal, or watch the patient so you can take a well-deserved break. It's okay to be this way. I have searched for ways to feel legitimately interested in other people, but it just never naturally occurs within me. I feel that about everyone. We feel we don't deserve any of the good things in life just for being ourselves. You can change your life and finally start receiving love from those who have the ability to give it to you freely, no strings attached. Take Care of Yourself by Establishing Healthy Boundaries; When caring for others, if you notice your mind chatter filled with words like, “I hate this. I love my family and friends but I always prefer being alone and I never miss anyone. Caregivers also provide company and emotional support. You may not feel strongly, but you DO care in your own way. How can I convince this new victim that their life will never be the same until they admit that they need me? Even after all of that, I don't leave my room much or talk to many people, but I'd consider myself mostly happy now. I'm a little scatterbrained and I feel like I didn't say much. Oh boy, someone new to manipulate into needing me and loving me. If you are already an adult with no intentions to have children, that is absolutely fine. I don't know. I now appreciate the saying: "Codependents don't make friends, they take hostages!" No fooling anyone or manipulation involved. From the very beginning, I came up with a plan. I switched my major in school, moved back on campus, tried to meet people, etc. I don't know you, but also doubt this makes you a narcissist. Peer support for anyone struggling with a depressive disorder. For your own health, it’s important to accept and love yourself despite what others may say. 4. We're all different you know. In many cases, the older child or the one that lives closest to the parent is often unofficially chosen to be the one to care for their parents, but this is unfair and can cause family difficulties and riffs. Volunteering in retirement homes made her realize that it comes naturally for her to provide care for others. None of these things stuck around for more than a month or two, before I was full-on spending the days in bed. Based on what you’re writing, if we’re talking personality wise (as you mentioned you thought you might be narcissistic) I think it’s leaning more towards schizoid traits. Contributors control their own work and posted freely to our site. I liked music and video games, and I just kept learning more about them I guess. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. I felt like a sociopath and I felt like my inability to attend to the needs of people I cared about was only going to hurt them, so I should continue to stay away. I started talking to my therapist about this recently, and she told me that the fact that I care about caring about people is enough. Some caregivers are paid. Being taken care of, if for the good reasons (and not because you’re not able to take care of yourself), is very comforting. There are millions of others out there who are mentally healthy enough to not want to be manipulated into codependency, masquerading as caring or love. i feel the same, but i have my reasons. Feeling a Sense of Accomplishment - Taking care of someone else presents unique challenges and obstacles to overcome. Do you like being taken care of ? My plan was to make very drastic changes in my life to shake me up and reawaken some form of emotion within me. No one ever thinks of helping others and bringing joy to their lives as a waste of time. Caregivers help with many tasks. embracing loneliness was the only way as a child. You know, the one who just doesn’t care. unlike u i just dont even bother to keep in contact with uni friends etc and just go silent. It seems pretty selfish to leave everyone who loves me behind, though. The care receiver may be angry about something, which can trigger an angry response from you, and the anger of both parties escalates from there; Resentment of having to care for someone you may not have gotten along with in the past This! I wouldn't say that I don't have many interpersonal connections, I would say I don't have enough. For more on conscious relationships, click here. That would be selfish. Can we change? Almost like I'm afraid for them to catch this disease. Many are friends or family members of the person who needs care. I am so tired of this. If you are young with no kids this may change as you get older. Taking care of these needs can help relieve your worries and keep the cycle from getting worse. You hate the emotional toxicity that comes along with working in these high stressed environments. Midlife researcher, author, psychotherapist. ... believe others hate them and have a plan to hurt them or ruin their lives. Every moving thing that lives shall be food for you. Must love always be earned by giving and giving constantly? I’m a control freak. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, The essential guide to taking care of your mind and body. ©2021 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. You take other people’s criticisms personally. Proud of you. Just take care of YOU for a change. It's even more frustrating when other family members live in the same community. If you hate more than one or two people who have truly harmed you, it may say more about you than the other people. The individual consumed by hate may believe that the only way to regain some sense of power over his or her pain is to preemptively strike out at others. I do care about people too but it's a mixture of hiding my depression and not wanting to pull anyone else down with me that I try to keep people at arm's length. my mother worked from 8 to 5, my father worked in another country and came home twice a year. As much as I try to care about people and their lives, it is a lie. 63. (5) We experience a net gain as we befriend the “stranger” among us. Or maybe you just like being alone? I spent years feeling inadequate unless I was "helping" everyone around me. So that's what I did, I started running and working out, eating better, etc. Now that you've taken care of others your whole life, isn't it time to take care of your own needs for a change? SLEEP all you want! I really am all alone. The older you get, you might not care about making new friends. Depression makes you want to turtle up and isolate from other people—it totally makes sense that it feels good to be around nobody—but the thing that’ll most likely pull you out of this feeling of not caring about them is to just push through it and try to stay connected. It's easy to feel this way in such situations, especially when other family members blithely continue their daily activities, jobs, careers and entertainment while you are the one left to stay home, take care of mom or dad, or literally move them into your home so you can ensure their care and safety. I know. On top of that, taking care of others or your household might just feel impossible at times. I think I may be a narcissist or something. Being extremely introverted is something different. Very scary stuff, huh? The U.S., UK, EU countries and Australia rank high for … This post by Ruth Soukup was spot-on. As we age, we may get tired of taking care of everyone else, and never getting our own needs met. Because it is often a thankless job, we as caregivers need to find ways to appreciate ourselves for the care and compassion we give. Take good care of yourself. Only if we are fully ready for something different than the same old codependent routine. Thanks for your sharing and honesty. Look into respite care. Self-care is one of those things that is essential but we often don't take enough time for (or feel we don't have the time for). Either way, you will do yourself a meaningful service by figuring out how to understand what you are feeling and why, so you can process your thoughts and feelings to let go of the hate. Yes disassociation is exactly what is for me too. I'm still a friendly person. In fact, when I think about the future it excites me most to think about being a hermit on the outskirts of society, in solitude. The reason it takes more is that elders often do not want help except from family. Thank goodness for forums like this where we can relate and self reflect. I isolated and shut people out all my life out if fear and other issues. Taking on all of the responsibilities of caregiving without regular breaks or assistance is a surefire recipe for caregiver burnout. Instead, we feel we should be constantly helping others to earn the right to be admired and loved. The truth is, you most likely don’t HATE being a nurse. in fact my entire summers pass like that. Like you need to have those hundreds of people to be able to comfortably contact when shit hits the fan. These include shopping, preparing and eating food, cleaning, taking medicine, bathing, and dressing. No matter how hard I tried. If you spread hate, you feel hatred. You’re not a narcissist; you’re just working through something. Depression makes you want to turtle up and isolate from other people—it totally makes sense that it feels good to be around nobody—but the thing that’ll most likely pull you out of this feeling of not caring about them is to just push through it and try to stay connected. That's what matters. Taking care of yourself while you're feeling depressed is often hard enough on its own. D id you know that over 40% of today’s current world leaders have studied abroad? "I take care of my mom, but I don't feel warm and fuzzy towards her," says Susan Witherspoon (not her real name) of Knoxville, Tennessee, whose mother moved in with her last fall. This results in a lot of loneliness and isolation. Then, we get together in secret and bash our significant others to one another and share stories about how they won’t help us out at home. Well when we are depressed we are very preoccupied with our own suffering. Dear Care and Feeding, I hate playing with my kids. For me it's because most other people are normies who chase the next mainstream shit that doesn't interest me at all. It feels like a chore to include anyone in my life. 65. It just means you understand that you don't have the energy to deal with people all the time. Could others love you just the way you are? My desire is that this questioner will find a way to let go of her guilt and find others to help her care for her family. … Fucking hell too close to home bro. We feel we don't deserve any of the good things in life just for being ourselves. What helped me get back on track was to focus on feeling gratitude. If you, however, spread love and joy, these are the emotions you feel deep inside. I just spent a few months in a partial hospitalization and intensive outpatient program and this was a huge question for me. Felt love for no one—not my spouse, not family, friends, etc. Part of HuffPost Wellness. To quote another popular saying: “Don’t do to others what you wouldn’t want them to do to you.” Or, in a more positive form, “treat others the way you would want to be treated.” When you take care of someone, you should think about the way you would want them to take care of you. It takes a lot of courage to admit that past patterns aren't working and have never really worked. We all know that person in our life who we envy because they seem to be able to let things roll off of their backs so easily. As long as you enjoy being around people in the moment, there's nothing to worry about. Time to try a different approach? We feel fundamentally unworthy of love without first paying for it with care for those we "love." Try to image yourself as completely lovable and adequate just being the wonderful person you are right now. You know how they say you shouldn't be with someone unless you can picture a future with them? Can we learn how to be different? Jenifer F Kelley on November 18 at . I did the exact thing you did, I broke up with a long term girlfriend because I just didn't really care about much of anything. Bible verses about Taking Care Of Others. Narcissists love attention and see other people as means to ends. I can’t believe I have to do this over and over again”, you’re hurting yourself and the person you’re giving care to. We feel fundamentally unworthy of love without first paying for it with care for those we "love.". What did seem to work, was exploring the few things I cared about. Dealing with the difficult scenarios caregiving presents can be stressful, but working through the tough times can be very rewarding. I'll totally be open for questions though if you have any. And besides, I do genuinely like them and love them. I don’t want my husband to do the cleaning, I just hate that it’s expected that I do it. Go stay in a hotel for a night or two if thats what it takes to really get away from everyone else. Do you have the courage to ask for what you need now? I feel so completely detached from almost everything. I call, ask questions, participate in events, make dates...but none of it really interests me. Genesis 9:3-6 ESV / 3 helpful votes Helpful Not Helpful. For more by Laura Lee Carter, click here. I just really took time for myself, and tried things that made me uncomfortable (such as moving into a dorm). Are you finally ready to see life in a very different way? I know what you mean though. If I were to it over I would try and be more open about feelings and fears. You don’t believe in compliments, but you take other people’s critiques too seriously. It mimics love in practice and can start to help thaw those feelings of caring and love back out. Sibling rivalry and resentment can often develop. Instead, we feel we should be constantly helping others to earn the right to be admired and loved. And it's like I deal with so much shame just being who I am that It's almost unfathomable. Hopefully some of that helps. People with depression may leave their daily chores unattended, letting laundry pile up as dirty dishes sit in the sink for days. If you cant afford it, atleast turn off the phone, get a good book or movies, whatever pampers you. You hate not being able to take the time that you need to make sure your patient is educated and cared for in the best way. “Remember that this is YOUR LIFE, and nothing is more important than YOU.”― Miya Yamanouchi. You may not miss them. Along with breaking up with my girlfriend, I isolated myself from all of my friends. There lies my problem. its the same here. You care too much about what people say. love my friends and my parents but if any of them passed I think I would be okay, but like you said I’m not particularly fond of myself or my life. I get you man. Idk, just my thoughts on it. They’re 3 and 6, and I find it torturous. Depression sucks joy out of everything, and love is hard to feel with a joyless life. Couldn’t do it. Because we need you. well said. Press J to jump to the feed. I've felt the same way. What do you think of when you think of self-care? I agree with you for me it is disassociation. When we feel disconnected from ourselves we naturally feel disconnected from others ... Like you said I care for people but there's not really anybody I could live without but at the same time im not all that fond of myself either. I just can't connect or relate to them because I have nothing in common with them. if i had the choice i would just stay in my room and do the things i do without really feeling lonely/missing others. I don't miss my parents, friends, or husband when I'm not around them. “Taking care of yourself is the most powerful way to begin to take care of others.”― Bryant McGill. I don't know. Press question mark to learn the rest of the keyboard shortcuts. For a while, I just couldn’t feel love. It feels like a chore to include anyone in my life. I went through a spell like this, and I can tell you how I personally got out of it, though I can't promise you that it will work for you. I'm approaching 40 and I don't see much left but pain and death. And if they end up not liking you, so what? Isn't it about time someone showed you how to save your own life? If I could survive, not necessarily far away from society, but just in my own home, with maybe my family or other people I love and care about that need a roof over their head, I would be happy. With heart. I don't miss my parents, friends, or husband when I'm not around them. A positive outcome of older children taking care of younger children is having the opportunity to learn responsibility and time management skills. “I love you but I got to love me more.”― Peggi Speers. Who would not be? Being around my husband and parents makes me happy, but not being around them also brings relief. I am now a middle aged woman and feel very lonely and regret not making more of an effort. But taking care of yourself, your body, health and mental well-being is so important to not just feel better but also to perform better in the long run and to be able to help others better. This feeling seems to be really common. I have read so many, many online articles, blogs, etc., on the topic of being the caregiver to an elderly parent. The most common reason for "helping syndrome" is early childhood training that leads to gigantic feelings of inadequacy when we're not helping others. This post was published on the now-closed HuffPost Contributor platform. I wish I had someone to spend time with and feel comfortable and just like being around them, but it hasn't happened in a long time. Reply. Don't worry, it's natural. I've gotten to the point in my life where making new friends isn't even on my list of priorities. There are possibly many others who feel like this but wouldn't or can't talk about it. Hopefully you can relate. That would be selfish. "My mother had favorites growing up, and I wasn't one of them," Susan says. Probably a relaxing bubble bath, meal prep, or some other soothing ritual to help bolster your body and mind. Relationships should be a source of fun and joy, but I found nothing of the sort in any of my interpersonal relationships. Don’t try to do it all alone. The only thing that keeps me going are my two grown children. We use cookies on our websites for a number of purposes, including analytics and performance, functionality and advertising. Alzheimer’s disease and other forms of dementia. Please let me know if I can help. And as I gave you the green plants, I give you everything. Here’s how to not care. A little over a year ago, I was in your shoes. Adolescents in this type of situation are still required to study and do homework, complete any assigned chores, as well as take care of their younger siblings. While I don't think isolation is really the answer, I can tell you that the months and months I spent alone allowed to me to reflect on who I really was. i was shy and children frightened me. Go for a massage if you can afford it. And take care of yourself! All of us need emotional first responders. I guess I just don't have that social bone that makes me want to know as many people as possible, which sucks, because I feel like it's just the norm for people to have like 10-20 really good friends and hundreds of other friends, and then I look at my life and I think damn. We put a premium on the other person, offering genuine care and love. It’ll come back.
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